Dear Ayah

How long has it been? I don't think we have talked in awhile. I miss you. I miss talking to you. You'll probably think I don't miss you but I really do miss you. I know our relationship has never been good but I believe at one point, you truly loved me. But that would be when I was still a child.

From what I know, you think that I hate you. And I am having the same thought about you. Things haven't been great between us. I'm growing up so fast and you're growing old. Not even a day passed by without having you in my mind. I always think about you but you probably think that I never thought of you at all. Trust me, you run through my mind every single second. You are always the first thing that comes to my mind. And it is really sad to see the gap between us getting wider and wider. 

I know it kills you every single time when I do the things you do not approve or like. And I also know it kills you every second when we hardly say anything to each other though we live under the same roof. And I also know it kills you when you do not know what's going on with my life. Last but not least, I know it kills you when I said I'm already 21 and I deserve to make my own decision. 

Trust me ayah, it kills me too. My heart dies every single time I make you feel sad. It kills me too when I know I turned out to be someone that you hated. I know you wanted a good daughter that covers her aurah, listens well to her parents and most importantly, prays. You also wanted a daughter than can study and do well in the course you have chosen for her. I'm sorry that I'm not doing well and not able to live up to your expectations. I'm trying to, ayah, I really am trying my best. 

You are the reason I am still here and you are the only person that I look up to. You probably didn't know this but I always look up to you. This is because I like you so much. I admire your hard work and passion. Sometimes I wonder how a person can work so much like you. You're such a workaholic. You work 6 or 7 days a week. You sleep at 2 or 3 am and leave home for work at 7. You only get 4 to 5 hours of sleep everyday but you never complain. You feel most disappointed when I treat you bad as if I don't appreciate your hard work. I know I have been such a pain in the ass. I know, I always do. 

I have been meaning to say all of these to you, but I don't think I'd ever have the chance to do so. I hope that one day I will have the balls to sit and talk to you. I'd really like that.

I would also love to have a day out with you so we can get to know each other better. I know you know nothing about me. You don't even know what I like and dislike. I would wanna know what you like and dislike too!

Dear ayah, 

I hope things will get better between us soon. I'm sorry and I miss you ayah. 

Love,

Ain